After losing her mum as a teenager, Nikkie found herself losing her dad in a different way—to homelessness, addiction and mental illness. Years later, she became his carer, supporting him through schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and a complex mental health system while trying to rebuild a relationship shaped by grief, distance and love. Patty Kikos speaks with Nikkie about caring for a parent who couldn't always care for her, the challenge of setting boundaries without losing compassion, and how becoming a mother changed the way she understands vulnerability, forgiveness and what it means to break generational cycles.
Content warning: This episode discusses mental illness and family trauma. Listener discretion is advised. This podcast is for general informational purposes and isn't a substitute for professional mental health advice or treatment.
Disclaimer: The views, language, experiences and opinions shared by guests on this podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Mental Health Carers NSW (MHCN) as an organisation.
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Jonathan
MHCN acknowledges the Traditional Custodians of Country and pays respect to elder’s past, present and emerging. We are the peak body for mental health carers in New South Wales, and we advocate for carers rights and systemic reform.
Jonathan
Caring Between Minds. Mental Health Advocacy in Action.
Patty
This episode discusses trauma, caring and lived experiences. Please listen at your own pace and reach out to support services if you need to.
Nikkie
When my mum passed, I had a family member that said, ‘we can't tell strangers when we have problems, we have to keep it within the family’. And I didn't realise until much later on, and after a lot of therapy, that I must have really carried this with me. I mean, I was in class the day after I lost my mum!
I became so used to holding back and carrying conversations that are very surface level. It stunted my relationships a lot and it's taken a lot to overcome. But it's been important to me, especially now that I'm a mum. Now I want to be a role model about what healthy emotional regulation looks like, and what healthy relationships are.
Patty
Today's guest didn't exactly sign up to be a carer. You might say she inherited the role through grief, trauma and the dad who disappeared, but then reappeared asking for a ‘special’ kind of help. Nikkie is a PR professional, a mum, an advocate and someone who's learned how to keep things together, even when it's not so easy behind the scenes.
After losing her mum as a teenager and in many ways both of her parents, she later found herself in her dad's world of homelessness, mental illness and addiction, all within a system that feels like a full time job, but with no training manual, and no off switch. Nikkie describes herself as positive, and she is. But, she'll also be the first to admit that sometimes, that positivity has been doing a lot of heavy lifting.
This is a conversation about choosing to care for someone who couldn't always care for you, being the meat in the sandwich between your loved one, and the mental health system, and learning slowly how to let people in. I'm Patty Kikos and you're about to meet Nikkie Shoveler. Her story may challenge your understanding of what care, strength, and forgiveness really look like.
Nikkie
I care for my dad, and he was diagnosed with schizophrenia, bipolar and depression.
Patty
Nikki, who were you before you became your dad's carer? And what do you think has stayed most consistent in who you are, since you took on that role?
Nikkie
I've always just been trying to figure it out. I feel like I am a happy person. I've taken pride in being really positive, but I feel like that's almost gone overboard and it's become a coping mechanism for me. I don't often share much about my caring role or my past with my friends and family. That's why I feel like my advocacy role in Mental Health Carers NSW, has really helped me to open up, but to also try to help others in the same situation.
Patty
Do you remember the point where supporting your dad became a defined, caring role, as opposed to you just helping out?
Nikkie
I can't really pinpoint it. My mum passed away when I was 14 and my dad disappeared for a while. I later found out that he spent a few years ‘homeless’ and was in and out of hospital for mental health issues.
Patty
Whoa, whoa. So, let's stop for one moment, because I feel like there's a lot to unpack from those few sentences. So, your mum passed away, but you essentially lost both your parents. That would have been so traumatic and confusing for you. Who did you live with at the time?
Nikkie
I lived with my aunt and uncle. My mum passed, my dad disappeared, and I believe that's what triggered his depression. I lost touch with him. And then when we reconnected, I discovered his gambling addiction. And that's how he came back into my life. He was asking for money.
Patty
So let me get this straight. Your mum passed away of ovarian cancer when you were a teenager, and even though they were separated at the time, this likely triggered his depression. His mental health state meant that he was homeless. And then there was a gambling addiction. So, after so many years apart, how is his re-entry into your life?
Nikkie
It wasn't exactly positive, but I'm glad it happened. We've established a rhythm for the medical side of things, which feels good, but it is a struggle emotionally, because we've never really shared that side of things.
Patty
You mean that you've never been emotionally close?
Nikkie
No.
Patty
When did you reconnect? Nikkie?
Nikkie
We reconnected just after I finished uni, and I started full time work. His gambling addiction became the main focus of our relationship, which as you can imagine was quite consuming. There were lots of lies, lots of lending money, moving him in and out of housing, between hospital admissions. I wouldn't have called myself a carer at that point.
Maybe a few years later, when I became more involved in his care and his appointments, by attending his GP appointments and trying to navigate the options.
I feel like that started my caring journey when I was sort of starting to get to the root causes of addiction, which was his mental illness.
Patty
So what do you think was the root cause of his mental illness at the time?
Nikkie
My dad's mental health has been largely driven by his guilt. I think he holds a lot of guilt about my mum and being at their family, so it's hard to break him out of that cycle.
Patty
In your family, how did it come to be that you took on this role for your dad, as opposed to somebody else? And how did that responsibility feel at the time? That's two questions. Sorry, Nikkie. (both laugh) You work in PR, so I'm bombarding you.
Nikkie
It's a simple answer in that I was the only option, really. I'm the only family member in Australia. It's been confronting, like any carer can attest to, it's been a rollercoaster of emotions. I struggle in my relationship as well as we're not particularly emotionally close, but you know, I'm glad to be there for it.
Patty
Looking back over 20 years, what do you think has changed most in your dad's needs, and what has changed most in you as a carer?
Nikkie
Well, it's been a lot of rock bottom moments for sure, but my dad's more stable now than he's ever been, which is great.
Patty
When you say ‘rock bottom moments’, what sort of incidents are you describing?
Nikkie
Attempts of suicide, I suppose a lot of lies and a lot of emotional manipulation, particularly around money and gambling. And just a lot of really confronting situations, moving him in and out of housing between hospital admissions by myself, because I don't share much with my family and friends, is a pretty prevalent memory to me, where I've sort of found myself at that rock bottom type moment.
Patty
At that rock bottom type moment, that’s for sure. It's very hectic. It sounds very, very chaotic. And while his needs are increasing because of his age, and obviously that impacts his medication and his treatments, would you say that he's more stable?
Nikkie
He is. I still find myself questioning, is it his mental health for his age that's causing the symptoms. But we're seeming to manage and he seems to understand and accept support more, albeit it, still requires convincing, every now and then. This is the longest stint he's ever been in housing, so I think that's really helped a lot. It's that stability. He has the confidence because he knows how to navigate the area, how to get to the GP, the pharmacy, the grocery store, the park, that kind of thing for me.
Yeah, I think I've become more supportive and less reactive, I hope! It's always tricky to find the balance between caring. He retreats when I tend to become too overbearing, so I try not to do that. But also, it's a balance to try to make sure he gets the support he needs. So, you can almost say that the parent child relationship is sort of flipped on its head there.
Patty
I think it had flipped on its head from a very long time ago, but there's something to be said about him being stable for a long time. It really speaks to everyone's self-preservation, doesn't it?
Nikkie
Yeah. They say that housing is one of the first steps, right? And it's so true. It was actually my case.
Patty
What does caring look like for you now on a typical week? And how does that compare to what it used to look like in the early years, which I know you've spoken about a little bit.
Nikkie
I talk to my dad most days on the phone, like I spoke to him this morning to remind him about things for tomorrow. Because he often forgets, I call him to remind him about appointments and arrange others if they're needed. He goes to basic appointments by himself, so anything with his GP that requires asking for new scripts, that kind of thing.
But anything more complex and that involves a specialist. I make sure that I'm present and involved because of the effects of his, mental health related and non-mental health related medications. This can vary from week to week, so we just play it by ear. But I'm lucky to have a flexible workplace and an understanding 4 year old who’s getting really used to waiting in doctor's offices, so that's good.
I also see him in person once a week. That has been really amazing, in that it's taken a lot of convincing, but we've gotten into this routine. He comes to visit, takes the train every Friday so that I can ‘work’, which I sort of use as an excuse so that he feels ‘needed’ and less resistance to the idea. I work while he takes care of our son, which he seems to love to do, and I use that time to administer his weekly injection for his diabetes and buy some light essentials for him to take home. It's nice to spend time with my son. I feel like he really lights up and he's almost happy. Yeah, it's hard for me to remember a time when he was like that, which makes me sad.
Patty
That is sad because he must have lost that part of himself years ago. But thanks to you, he gets to have glimpses of that again. Really quickly Nikkie, is your dad eligible for NDIS assistance?
Nikkie
Yes. The NDIS has been a game changer for us. It took a long time to be accepted. Ironically, we submitted an application and were told that my dad's condition was not permanent enough to receive support, which was a total slap in the face. But on the second application, with a lot of guidance and advocacy from a NDIS Local Area Coordinator, I think it’s called, we got accepted.
Still, while that was a really exciting milestone, it's always funny with my dad because he's so reluctant to accept, support, and explore that he might need it. Again, that was another uphill battle with negotiation. But now we're 2 years in and he's finally starting to accept the support a bit more. He has transport organised for him fortnightly to get to the grocery store and pharmacy, and a cleaner comes regularly. He attends physio because of all of the non-activity over the years. It's helped us to strike a balance really, and it's saved me a lot of time driving down 2 hours to attend to everything and minor appointments that he has, which has been a huge weight off for me and my family here.
Patty
I imagine it would have been a really revealing process as well, especially when you've had to go through those very comprehensive OT assessments with him as well.
Nikkie
Yeah, the OT assessment was full on.
Patty
Really?
Nikkie
Yeah, it was. I didn't expect it to be as revealing as it was in that it was a lot about reliving past moments and feelings of grief and really being forced to face the reality of my dad's declining mind really.
Patty
It is confronting, isn't it, when you realise that he'll need handrails, when you realise that he might need a ramp soon. Yes, it's certainly something to think about. How is your relationship with your dad changed through the progression of his mental health condition?
Nikkie
It’s always been difficult to navigate because the clinical side is so, I guess easier to come by, compared to the emotional side. The push and pull of his caring needs fluctuate, so his responses vary. But I'm grateful he's in our life again so that I can help him, and then we can keep an eye on him.
Patty
And there's an opportunity for your rupture to be repaired. And I know that you have described yourself as a very naturally bubbly and positive person, and I know that you are, and you're someone that has it together. How much of that is your personality, and how much of that is the coping mechanism that you talked about a little bit earlier?
Nikkie
I'm grateful for it because it allows me to do my PR job well. I have spent the majority of my career working in a charity setting, so it's helped me almost sort of compartmentalise those stories and really take in the privilege of being a part of the journeys of people in need. It's been a really great driving force for me as well, and has pushed me through grief, and it's allowed me to achieve at school, and it works.
But yeah, the coping mechanism is still really difficult for me. I've become very good at putting things up and it has been a major challenge learning how to let good people and good emotions in. Being vulnerable and developing close relationships has been an issue, but I'm working on it.
Patty
And knowing who you can trust again, especially because you were let down by someone that was supposed to look after you. So, it's a textbook example of why you're reluctant to trust again, isn't it?
Nikkie
Yeah, yeah. And it's my internal reluctance as well. I talk about my dad being reluctant to find support, but I'm also guilty of that because support in a caring role within a complex, often isolating system, it feels so foreign and unfamiliar.
Patty
Do you think being seen as the reliable one, or the person who has it together, makes it harder for you to ask for help when you need it?
Nikkie
Definitely. I, like many carers, it's not the first sort of logical option for me, but I'm really lucky to have people in my life that support me, especially my husband. He spent so many years with me and still leans in to try to do more. Even before we were married, he, without even asking, wanted to understand more and agreed to take a short course with me on How To Support Loved Ones With Depression. To this day, that's one of the greatest gifts anyone's ever given me.
Patty
I mean, it sounds like your husband is an incredible source of support, but you've also mentioned that you don't share your caring role with friends or family. What do you think holds you back? What do you think people would misunderstand if you did share about your story more openly?
Nikkie
For me, time has a lot to do with it. In that I feel like so much time has passed already that it feels weird to sort of interrupt friendships and relationships, to say, ‘oh, by the way, this is why I am the way I am’.
Patty
Instinct is to clam up and to protect yourself.
Nikkie
Yes, yes, that's right. Again, I think that's work well for me in PR and I find it really rewarding to empower people to share their journeys for a good cause.
Patty
Yeah.
Nikkie
But yeah, I've always found it ironic that it's hard, difficult for me in my personal life. But I've met so many incredible people throughout my career who will become a really big source of inspiration for me, from my work, and in my caring role, and just life in general. And that's why I'm doing this podcast as well.
Patty
I know! Can you talk a little bit more about what it feels like to be the meat in the sandwich, or the connector between your dad and the system, because often that's a term we use when we look after our parents and our children. But actually, it's also applicable when it comes to the person we care for, and then having to traverse that system. What does that look like in real life situations for you?
Nikkie
It's infuriating, and it makes me question quite a lot about what I'm doing. Because the mental health system is so complex, knowing what you can access, who you can talk to, what support is actually available, is a nightmare. At the same time, you don't really know what you're looking for.
Patty
Yeah.
Nikkie
Especially when it comes to caring for people like my dad who are really reluctant to accept support. I often feel like I'm chipping away at mostly well-meaning clinicians and specialists and support staff to be seen. Then once it happens, I can't really celebrate just yet because then I need to go in, to bat for them and have a conversation with my dad to convince him to participate in his care.
Patty
Can you give us some examples, Nikkie?
Nikkie
Yeah, I had a situation with my dad's previous GP. I saw her, oh, he saw her for a number of years, by himself before I started to become involved. I began to attend appointments because he was forgetting a lot of the details of his medications. He was also seeing a number of GPs for minor conditions, which meant that his care was all over the place.
No one really knew his full history or medication list, so I knew I needed to step in to try to bring that all together. It was an uphill battle trying to get my dad to understand why I was there, and an even bigger uphill battle of trying to get the GP to understand why I was there. She never really seemed happy that I was in appointments, and she would always be frustrated when I had questions about these medications.
Patty
So she wouldn't include you?
Nikkie
No, it was never an attack on her. It was more a call for help to navigate, what I felt like was the mess around us. It kind of felt like a horrible game of Chinese Whispers, trying to piece all those puzzle pieces together.
Patty
Yeah, because GPs are busy and they're under-resourced. But was there a turning point?
Nikkie
Turning point, that was, I guess, good and bad, in that it escalated, with her calling me back one day, calling me names, saying that I was the rudest person she's ever met!
Patty
You?
Nikkie
Yeah, that just had me at about breaking point. And it really scarred me to be honest, right up until he was hospitalised for lithium poisoning because the same GP wasn't keeping track of his care.
Patty
Oh my goodness. So, it's a good thing that you went to bat for him. And I mean the constant follow ups, the repetition, feeling lost in the system. And I can't imagine how your dad responded.
Nikkie
He's never had a straightforward response. His go to response is always, ‘don't make a fuss’. It takes a lot of energy to stay on course with him, and with these specialists, because I feel like everyone's always treating me like the ‘drama queen’.
Patty
You said something really interesting when you said your dad's says, ‘oh, don't make a fuss’. Do you think that stems from his cultural background?
Nikkie
I think the Filipino heritage has something to do with it. I think the isolation for many years, because of his mental health condition is also part of it.
Patty
For sure. And when you go to bat for him, do you think that stems from being raised in Australia like you were, and being encouraged to go after what you want?
Nikkie
It's funny you say that because when my mum passed, I had a family member that said, ‘we can't help strangers when we have problems and we have to keep it within the family’. And I didn't realise it until much later on, and after a lot of therapy, that I must have really carried this with me. I mean, I was in class the day after I lost my mum!
I became so used to holding back and carrying conversations that are very surface level. It stunted my relationships a lot, and it's taken a lot to overcome. But it's been important to me, especially now that I'm a mum. Now I want to be a role model, about what healthy emotional regulation looks like and what healthy relationships are.
Patty
And how do you manage being an hour and a half away or 2 hours away with your own young family? And what does that balancing act look like, day to day?
Nikkie
I never thought I'd move to the Central Coast. It was a really big decision for me. My dad had a big part in my reluctance, but I decided to put me first in that instance and I still feel guilty. But now that we have our little family, I know exactly where we're meant to be. My dad lives in public housing, so we have applied for a transfer, but I'm still in 2 minds, because I'm really conscious about his mental health, and I worry about disrupting his sense of safety and familiarity.
Patty
And is your dad reluctant to move, or does he want to stay where he is?
Nikkie
It’s taken a lot of convincing to get him to a point that he's considering, and I guess the fact that the list is so long, is a positive in that, part of my convincing him has been, ‘okay, well, we don't have to make a decision right now, there's still time’. And when they come to us, then we can cross that bridge together. And just reassuring him that at the end of the day, the decision is up to him, but he's coming around to it.
Patty
Which is really positive because in a couple of years, when it's his turn, he might just be ready to move.
Nikkie
Yeah, I hope so. I think being closer to family, especially my son, will be the silver lining. Yeah, just one of those contradictions that are agonizing in the caring role. Right?
Patty
Absolutely. After you were abandoned in your teenage years, Nikki, you ultimately chose to care for your dad. And I want to be honest, I'm in awe of your forgiving nature and your spirit. Where does it come from?
Nikkie
I don't get it myself, but I feel like a lot of it is from him. Even though he's had a hard time forgiving himself about everything that's happened. As I keep doing what I'm doing, I feel like my dad is the common theme that keeps coming up. For example, I volunteer at the local homelessness service, because I see him in the clients they serve.
I fancied myself a social worker years ago and began to study by distance because I wanted to help people like him. They say the past shapes you. It blows my mind that all of the negative, has come full circle to allow me to try to do some positive in the world. I've never told him that, of course, but I hope it's something that I get brave enough to share with him eventually.
Patty
Maybe one day you can tell him by sharing this podcast.
Nikkie
That is a good goal! (both laugh)
Patty
All right Nikkie, I think that it is time for some Fast and Furious wrap up questions. I don't want you to think too long. Just share the first thing that comes to mind. Are you ready?
Nikkie
Yes!
Patty
What's a random skill that you have that surprises people?
Nikkie
It surprises other people, and it surprises me that I can crochet! I started it as a way to support my mental health and to avoid all the doomscrolling. It turns out I'm okay at it, because my son loves the toys I make, and lady is starting to sell them in her shop too!
Patty
Oh, so you're even making income from it?
Nikkie
Yeah, I could.
Patty
That's actually really impressive! All right. What is your power song? Do you have one?
Nikkie
I like anything rap and R&B and lately, Hamilton the Musical has been on repeat in our house. And our son is just singing every word of it, which is hilarious to me.
Patty
That is so advanced for a 4 year old.
Nikkie
Yeah, (both laugh)
Patty
I'm very, very impressed. Nikkie, if someone made a movie about your life, what is one scene that must be in it?
Nikkie
Definitely our elopement in Tasmania 2 years ago. We were so excited by it all. We decided to run into the water at Honeymoon Bay. I was dressed in my big princess wedding dress, and my husband was in his suit. The photos turned out amazing.
Patty
I bet they did. All right, my last question. Nikkie, can you whistle with your fingers?
Nikkie
No way. Oh, I can barely whistle without my fingers.
Patty
Nikkie, you are delightful. Thank you so much for joining us.
Nikkie
Thank you for listening.
Patty
That is a wrap from us, folks. I hope you loved my chat with Nikkie as much as I loved having it. If you're more of a visual person, you can watch us on YouTube and we would love it if you could help us out by liking, subscribing, and especially giving us a five star review on any podcast platform as well. It really helps our podcast be heard by the people who need to listen to it most. Bye for now.
Jonathan
Everything that MHCN does is guided by the lived experience of people with mental health concerns, and the families and carers who support their recovery. We're very grateful for their contribution to this podcast. To support, or find out more about MHCN, you can donate, join our free advocacy network and subscribe to our newsletter. All those links are in the show notes below.